Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Earth’s crust rupturing and hell’s fiery gates opening, because Taylor Swift’s Coding Friend Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift’s “Swish Swish” Nemesis Katy Perry ate sushi together in West Hollywood last night. That’s right, people: Two grown women who share a maybe-rocky mutual acquaintance decided to eat raw fish together in a trendy California restaurant. In other words, the event all those Y2K conspiracy theorists were yammering about 18 years ago has finally happened, and we’re all doomed. See the photo, below, and check your vitals after.
What, you don’t remember the warning that one day Perry and Kloss would stop caring about what “TaylorSwift4Eva” fan accounts were saying about them and hang out? That the era of squad-dom would soon end and Kloss would start the Perry tribute band she’s always dreamed of? That the snake emoji would take on a life of its own? Well, it’s happening! Wake up! Grab your garlic and tinfoil hats and barricade yourselves in a bunker covered in “Bad Blood” memorabilia—because the world as we once knew it is over.
Actually, don’t do any of that stuff. In fact, go to your fridge, pop open an orange soda, and take a breather. Perry and Kloss kicking it affects nothing and no one—including Taylor Alison Swift. Somewhere at this very moment, she’s probably listening to either “Delicate” or “End Game,” doing CrossFit with her cats, and not giving a single fuck that Perry and Kloss ate spicy tuna rolls together and talked about Joshua Kushner’s face. (Kloss is dating Joshua, ICYDK.) It’s a groundbreaking concept, I know, but a woman can hang with someone who has beef with one of her friends, and the world will still turn. Crops will still grow. Kloss can post the phrase “Swish Swish” all she wants, and Donald Trump’s hair will continue to orbit as usual.
The real mystery here, though, is whether or not Kloss suggested “Roulette” as Perry’s next Witness single. Seriously, why is she sleeping on that bop?
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